Rules Of Engagement/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You ever notice how you always lose more than one thing at a time? Like, say, your car keys and your temper? Well, I got this neat trick. I duct tape my car keys to a cell phone. Now, when I need to find them, I just dial the cell phone and look around the house for where the ringin's coming from. [ phone vibrating ] man, I hope I didn't set it on vibrate. [ phone vibrating ] see, now, that's why I hate technology. Harold's going to need a new phone. And I'm going to need a new car. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. All right. Thanks very much! I appreciate that. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. Harold has broken up with his girlfriend, bonnie. Audience: Awww! Yep, all the guys feel pretty sorry for him, trying to cheer him up. Some of them are even talking to him. Oh, hey, harold. Did you want to see me? Yeah, notice anything different, harold? You're gonna do the laundry? No, no, no. No, I've got a little surprise for you. You doing the laundry would be a surprise. Now, harold, you don't know this, but I feel sorry for ya. Well, right back at ya'. No, no, no, harold, I know you're upset about breaking up with bonnie. I'm fine. No, you're not. You know what you need, harold? Yes, I do actually. No, you don't, no. You need to be my partner in a two-man kayak race. Wow! What a compliment! What a potentially life-threatening compliment, but still... Do we even have a two-man kayak? We will. Here, you go practice. I never worked one before... It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] and tonight, mike hamar is playing for a free gourmet meal and toenail clipping at marjorie's epicure and pedicure. For meals and heels just pull up a chair and pull off your socks. Okay, mike, cover your ears. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get mike to say this word... Yeah, all right, dalton. And go! Okay, mike, over the years in your dealings with the law you've made a few... Plea bargains? Yeah, no. Okay, in your criminal activities in the past, they were all... Lifestyle choices. Okay, okay. But looking back at those now, you can see you made a lot of... Money. Yeah, but you don't do that anymore because you learned from your... Parole officer. Okay, mike, if you made a bunch of faux pas, those are... Desserts? They're delicious. The cream, the caramel are just so fantastic. I really like them. Okay, mike, we say, we're all human, nobody's perfect. We all make... Gas. Almost out of time, red. Okay, mike, you've given up being a criminal because you got tired of making... Bail. No, I'm talking about all the crimes you committed. Those were the biggest what of your life? Oh, thrills. Except for the times I got caught. Those are mistakes. There we go! Yeah! Yeah! Mike: How do you know if you have body odour? When you say "you" do you mean me, specifically, or people in general? I think he means you specifically. No, I mean people in general, present company included. How can you tell if you have a bad case of body odour? You sure you don't mean winston, specifically? I think the bigger question is who is going to tell you if you have some offensive problem like b.O.? Or bad breath. Or feet. Because you've got to hear it, you know. You know, as anthony anthony says, "when we listen, "truly listen, "we can hear...." ah, something or other, I can't remember what it was. It's really -- I mean, who is going to tell you if you suffer from something offensive and embarrassing, like some kind of personal problem? Is your friend going to tell you that you smell? No, 'cause then you don't want him as a friend, right? Red: All right, winston, you have b.O. That's the thing, because who don't like you are not going to tell you stuff to your face. They're going to do it behind your back, right? And if they really don't like you, they're not going to tell you anything at all ever, at all, ever. Like my dad. Red: And mike, you smell like an ashtray. So no one's going to give you the bad news. No one. Nope. And if you did get the bad news, would you be willing to hear it? Well, sure. I would. How else are you going to improve, red? [ applause ] man, the roads around here are in terrible shape. It wrecks your car, and it limits your speed. It's almost enough to make you pay your taxes. But rather than do something I know I'll regret later, I've been trying to find a way to smooth out the ride. Now, this one worked great the odd time the helmet actually lined up with the pothole. Other than that, it felt like you were walking with one high-heeled shoe on... Not that I've done that. Now, this one wasn't totally successful because I forgot that bernice is allergic to feathers. I even tried filling up the potholes. Everybody at bernice's work gets one of these totally uneatable christmas cakes every year for the last 35 years, so we've got a fair whack of them. And if you flip them over, they're the same size and shape as the pothole. The trouble is, after 35 years, the christmas cakes are in about the same condition as the road. But then, in today's paper, something caught my eye, right about there. No, no, I was looking through the personals to see if any of my old girlfriends have come to their senses, when I saw some guy's trying to unload an above-ground pool. And I'm thinking, hey, that could be just the ticket. Now, I don't have any money to give him, but maybe we can work out a trade of some kind. We'll see. Okay, that was a mistake. I should have emptied it first. The only thing I need from the pool is the side. Cutting it in half so I get two wide rings of sheet metal. It's light, it's durable and it's smooth, a lot smoother than the roads around here. But I'm not going to be driving on the roads anymore. I'm going to be driving on these babies. Maybe I'm getting a little ahead of myself, but I'm just trying to keep up with you guys. I'm using these lawn mower handles as guides for my pool sides. Of course, taking the handles off the lawn mowers means I can't cut the grass, so it's a win-win. The idea here is to put something between your tires and the road, something that will smooth out the bumps... Kinda like your what wife does between you and the neighbours. Funny how slipping a ring on can change your life forever. Now, I'll just glide over the potholes. And here's another bonus... Real easy to find this car in the parking lot. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. And if the cops pull you over and ask you what the heck it is, tell them it's a car pool. [ applause ] I know it took a while, but I've finally, mostly, pretty much, begun to embrace the internet, especially the stuff on used-crap.Com. The problem is just as I was getting comfortable with this technology, they went ahead and invented the blog. This is the place in cyberspace where any person whose brain is half the size of their leisure time can spout off about what they think of what they do or who they feel should be running the country. It used to be called, talking to dad. But of course now it's gone global. A lot of you older guys are logging on. Well, here's my advice: Log off. Your own wife doesn't particularly care that you're getting close to patenting your idea for the t-shirt with the deodorant built right into the armpits. What makes you think they're dying for this information in finland? My advice is to relax and go back to annoying your immediate family. And if at the end of the day, you really feel like you just got to share your opinions and petty complaints with the whole world, do it the old-fashioned way... Get your own tv show. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Don't play texas hold 'em with your septics. If you see one, and it raises you two on the river, call me before you go all in. C'mon, harold, we're good to go. Okay, I'll be right there! Two-man kayak trials are today. You know, I think harold and I can win this thing, if we can figure out how to cheat. You know, uncle red, I don't know about this. We're going to be fine, harold. Here, put your number on. I'm a zero? This is supposed to cheer me up? Well, look at this way, if the boats finish in numerical order, you'll be ahead of number one. See, I went with number nine, that's bobby hull's number. Because we're going to be in a bobbing hull?! Right, we're going to be in bobbing hull. You know harold, I can't wait for your first eskimo roll. Well, me either, me either. I hear they' delicious. Yeah. Well, the kayak's all ready, harold. We're going to clean up. Wow, I never thought I'd be going down the river in a 12-foot maytag. You'll be going down the river just fine, harold. Or up the creek. Why do you always have to be so negative, harold, eh? She's light. She's strong. She's seaworthy. And the galvanized metal is perfect for the toxins in our fresh water. It doesn't look very comfortable. No, no, it's fine. I took the agitator out. But you just put him back in. Right? Bobbing hull, bbing hull! Red: Bill and winston went down to the batting cage we have just outside possum lake there. And bill's in a hurry but winston says, don't forget your helmet. You need the batting helmet. There you go -- oh! Just a little outside. That's a little small. No, you got to get that on there, bill. Get it on there. Get it on -- no! Look out, look out, look out... Oh! Look at the bright side, the hat fits now. And they've got all the gear. Actually, bill was going to do the batting and winston was going to do the catching. Ooh, oh it's -- oh, safety -- safety is an important. I think that's supposed to go under the -- all right, all right, okay. I hope the ride program's not out today. And so, as I was saying, winston was going to do the catching, and bill was going to -- easy, ohh -- look out, look out, look out. Okay. Okay. Wow. No kids, eh? All right, so you've seen these batting cages deal. You get in, you pick your favourite bat and you get ready. Bill's got quite a wind up going there. I think you missed -- I think you missed -- no, no, let -- leave well enough alone. I think you missed an important step here. You've got to -- it involves -- it involves -- bill, bill, bill, bill. Money, quarter. Money, quarter, in the box, quarter in -- quarter -- yup, yup, quarter in, quarter. Then you can pick what kind of pitch you want there. You got slow ball, slow pitch. He goes for the fast ball, and that's all ego. All ego right now. So he gets ready. Here comes the fast ball. And... So bill's still watching. Reaction time a little slower. You know, yeah... So maybe let's re-think that. Go with the slow pitch. He's going to be able to hit this one. So he gets back and in she comes. He just drills it, and it goes right down the throat of the machine, jams all the machinery. Now they got no more balls coming, so they decide to approach the machine with caution and see if they can -- I think if you just touch it you may be able to free that up, but just be careful. You might want to shut that off first before you actually -- oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! All right, later that day he decided to try the knuckle ball. Nobody ever got hurt with a knuckle ball. No, no, you got to wait for it. You got to -- patience is a big -- no, no, that won't help. Get back in the batter's box. Just wait -- wait for it! You're at strike three and the ball's not even there yet. All right, yeah, bunt, bunt, that's a good idea. Oh... Oh! So bill abandons the bat, picks up the plate and... Oh! Okay, you know what, bill, you're out, and I believe so is winston. [ applause ] sometimes, when men look like they're goofing around, we're actually thinking. And the opposite happens even more often. So you probably figure I'm just playing with this radio-controlled toy, but I'm actually working on one of the biggest unsolved dilemmas facing modern man. How to drive while you're eating... Without spilling stuff on yourself. Let's say you need a little snack to tide you over. Triple cheeseburger in one hand, extra large pop in the other, half a pound a fries on your lap. Get yourself an extra-grip cover for your stirring wheel, make sure it's got the big bumps on it. That's for traction. Okay, you secure the toy truck to the dashboard, using the handyman's secret weapon. Then you mount the controller under the steering column so you can steer with your leg. Kind of like a dog does. Problem solved. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some arteries to clog. Okay, you might to check the batteries in the toy, before heading out. [ applause ] we lost. I little tip for you kayakers out there... If you're in a boat made from washing machines, they have a tendency to go into the spin cycle. Harold and I spun into a rock. Kayak broke in half, so instead of having a two-man kayak, we had two one-man kayaks. I'm sure I'll be able to get this off once the swelling goes down. Uncle red, uncle red... I know, I know, harold, I know -- uncle red. I know. No, you don't know. No, you don't know. You don't know anything, ever. Yes, I do, harold. I know the two-man kayak was a mistake. I should have thought it through -- yeah, uncle red, uncle red, I was talking to bonnie. Well, that's good, I'm glad you were talking to bonnie because you shouldn't be unfriendly to her because -- uncle red, she gave me a ride home in her car! How did you get to sit in her car with a thing on like that? I stood on the tailgate. Would you let me finish, please? Well, pick it up a little bit, harold! I want to get out of this kayak. I asked bonnie to marry me! Audience: Ohhhhh! [ applause ] I couldn't have heard that right. I must still have some water in my ear. No, you heard me absolutely correct. I have asked bonnie to be my wife. Wow! You know what, that's the dumbest thing I ever heard of. Well, she said yes. I stand corrected. No, you don't get it, uncle red. This is like one of those weird life moments. You know, where I realize, that bonnie and I, we need to be together. You know, harold, wait a second. You had a rough day, okay. You went down the river in a washing machine kayak. You banged your head on at least seven rocks. And your paddle. Oh yeah! chuckling but you need to just slow down a bit. Bonnie's not the right girl for you. Come on, you may be half cra -- hi bonnie, just talking about you. Yes, mr. Green, I need a little favour from you. Oh, here we go. Harold looks up to you. He respects you very much. And now that he is going to be my husband, I would appreciate it if you didn't, like, accidentally kill him before the wedding! I think she's got a point. I have to agree with that. That's reasonable. Well, okay. I'll stop trying to turn harold into a man because it's probably hazardous to his health, how's that? Thank you, mr. Green. All right, you're welcome. I'll see you later, pookie. Awww. See you later, mrs. Pookie. Pookie or spooky, you tell me. Audience: Oooooooh! [ possum squealing ] what was that? That's the meeting, harold. Oh, right. You go ahead, I'll be right down. Right. Harold, we have the meeting downstairs. Oh yeah, right. That's a big load. So if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. Harold asked bonnie to marry him, and she felt so sorry for him, she said yes. Sound familiar? And the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] okay, guys. Everybody, sit down. Everybody sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. All right men, big news, harold and bonnie are getting married. [ cheers ] see, they're really happy about it. Misery loves company. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com